Saturday, March 03, 2007

At the Conservative Political Action Conference,
Mike Huckabee of Arkansas bragged he was the first
governor in America with a concealed carry permit. "So
don't mess with me," he added. And--praise the Lord!--the
American people doubtlessly won't.
Bush Administration Watchdog Responsible for Keeping
an Eye on the Walter Reed Army Medical Center
Four Hosers of the Fuckupalypse
Mitt 'Flapjack' Romney
Newt 'Marryin' Man' Gingrich
John 'Suckup' McCain
Rudy 'Ground Zero' Giuliani
"You don't need to thumb a ride, Joe. All you need to do
is jump on my bandwagon and we'll roll through the Gates
of Expediency together."
Joe Klein lists thirteen attributes of a 'left-wing extremist'.
Then he writes, "This is a partial list, off the top of my head."
Perhaps this explains why the top of Joe's head is now missing.
Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.

Alexander McQueen Introduces New Line of
Body Armor for Iraqi Women Who Wear Burqas

Having overcome many hurdles, Gregory and Marcel
embraced each other as a sign of their undying love.
Prime Minister Prodi's yawn momentarily threatened
to inhale Italy's lower house of parliament.
Scan Jonah Goldberg's curriculum vitae and you'll
find no mention of his role in the movie, Dune.

Friday, March 02, 2007

When Ann Coulter made her appearance at
the Conservative Political Action Conference,
an observer was reminded of a line from Conrad:
"There's nothing more solemn on earth than the
dance of a trained dog."
Code Pinko Slows Pace and Crashes Gates

President Pimping Heckuva Job Energy Drink
to New Orleans Students
"The Al-Qaida strategy is based on the notion that they can
break the will of the American people. They know they can't
beat us in a stand-up fight. But they do believe ... that they can,
in fact, force us to change our policy if they just kill enough
Americans, create enough havoc out there. Well, they'll never
kill enough Americans or create enough havoc to break my will.
I'm not called 'Big Swinging Dick' for nothing!"
Al Sharpton's ancestors were slaves, owned by Strom
Thurmond's ancestors. It just goes to show what genealogical
research can (and cannot) do. It can reveal the truth about
your ancestry, but it cannot do anything to change it.
University of Minnesota Student Calling 911 to
Report Massive Dandruff Outbreak
Bible Salesman Woos Elderly Hurricane Katrina Survivor
Where a Wounded Soldier Lives in the
Walter Reed Army Medical Center

Where the Unwounded General in Charge Lives

Thursday, March 01, 2007

"Congratulations, Senator!  Your announcement on the 
Late Show has just been added to the 'Top Ten Reasons 
to Go to Bed Early'."
UCLA law professor Stephen Bainbridge is alarmed that
"Private School Pinkos" infest the Hilltop Children's Center
in Seattle. With a total of 70 students enrolled, this private
elementary school obviously poses a threat to capitalism and the
free enterprise system so serious as to justify a college professor
taking time out from his teaching duties to write about it.
Investor Suffers Head Wound from Being Struck by
Plummeting Stock Market Indicator

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

In an attempt to divert attention from Dick Cheney,
the Vice President has ordered that he be referred
to henceforth as 'Senior Administration Official'.
"Has anyone ever told you that you have beautiful eyes?"

Alicia Bonifacio used to wear iceberg lettuce.
But it melted.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

University of Tennessee law professor Glenn Reynolds has
proposed that Iranian radical mullahs and atomic scientists
be forced to count all the occurrences of 'heh' and 'indeed'
in the Instapundit archives. He believes this will be sufficient
to persuade Iran to "reconsider their not-so-covert war
against us in Iraq."
"Gee, this must be the one bombing a day Laura Bush says
discourages everyone who sees it on television. Lucky for
me, my parents only let me watch Cartoon Network."
"Hey, I found the contact lens I lost here last year!"

What does Alejandra Guzman do for a living?
Hint: it has something to do with her lips (shown here)
and her lungs (shown here), but not her legs (also shown here).
President of Iran Reads Instructions for Docking
with the Blimp of Bahrain
The New Bicameral Bra from Capitol Hill Fashions
These shoes weren't made for walking.

When he awoke, the Vice President discovered he was
the condemned man in Stephen King's new Death Row
movie, The Red Mile.
"I know that my blessing is on the way
I can't see it right now but I stand by faith
I fought many, many battles in His name
I held up the bloodstained banner and proclaim that
Jesus is the Truth and the Light
Believe it when I say He will make it alright."

Monday, February 26, 2007

Car Salesman-in-Chief Claims 40 MPG Highway
for Pickup Powered by Black-Bean Burritos
Pharmacist-in-Chief Touts Everclear As
Revolutionary Medicinal and Energy Hybrid
Recently-Discovered Letter in Library of Congress Shows
President Lincoln Just Made Up Quote about Frank Gaffney
U. S. to Trade Dick Cheney to Australia for Two Bush
Kangaroos and a Case of Foster's Lager

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Britney Shears

From Russia with Love

"Allah be praised and all that, gentlemen, but this
bowing and scraping is blowing my knees to hell."
Ever since 1951, when Klaatu and Gort invaded the planet,
the Academy Awards have caused the Earth to stand still.
Take one look at this picture and you'll know somebody
got it all wrong about sloth being a deadly sin.
And then they crucified Iraq upon a cross of black gold.