Andrew Card says accepting an honorary degree

was the best practical joke he's ever played on

the University of Massachusetts.

"I'll be damned! Somebody's thrown a wad of gum

onto the pitcher's mound---again!"

The little boy was getting so close to the money

he could almost taste it.

"I can see the heel and the laces, but where's the shoe?"

"You don't have to snap my head off, dear, just because

you didn't like what I said!"

So young, yet already sooo bored with opera.

"I know for a fact Zandra had her hair done less than a

week ago, and you can already see roots!"

In light of record-high gas prices, this family has

scaled back their summer travel plan from a dream

vacation to the Grand Canyon to spending the night

in their RV in the parking lot of the local Wal-Mart.

The purported link between carats and good vision

is an urban legend, not science.

School Bus for

Chinese Acrobats

Drudge Report Funnies #5

"Man stays awake for record-breaking 11 days..."

"After I double the size of Guantanamo, it shall be referred

to thenceforth as Mittmo, not Gitmo."

Q: "Mr. President, why is Osama bin Laden still at large?"
A: "Why is he at large? Because we haven't got him yet, Jim.

That's why."

If energy is defined as 'the capacity of a physical system

to do work', this lion has none.

Condoleezza Rice to Play Opposite Uma Thurman

in Kill Bill: Vol. 3

Department of Energy Announces Plan to Use Oil Smoke

from Burning Pipelines to Pay for War in Iraq

To say the Iraq War is a quagmire is more than a metaphor.

Staring at the Google logo, say company officials, is all

that is now required to suck personal information out

of your head and send it to Eric Schmidt, the company's

CEO. So, if you'll type "What should I do today?" in

Google right now, Eric will send you the answer in less

than a second.

The President couldn't help wondering what

the weather was like up there.

Kharis stunned the audience when he wiped juice from

a tanna leaf on the Queen's glove.

"It's a 9!"

"It's a 6!"

"It's a 9, I tell ya!"

"Just look down at it, fool! It's a 6!"

"Would somebody please turn up the air conditioning?

Rosa is having another one of her hot flashes."

The silverback was not pleased when it learned the

Democratic Party leadership had caved on the issue of

setting a timetable for withdrawing U. S. troops from Iraq.

"Are you sure you don't have some more chest tucked

away somewhere?"

"Would you look at that! From the rear, Monica Goodling

looks just like Ann Coulter, but without the glochids."

Samuel David Cheney, Son of Mary, Born Today in Manger

Subleased by Archer Daniels Midland; Controversial Claims

by Grandparents of 'Immaculate Conception' and 'Virgin Birth'

Hotly Disputed

"WOLFOWITZ AND GAL PAL SPLIT UP" screams the New

York Post headline. Now that Shaha has given Paul the

old heave-ho, maybe he will attempt to rekindle an old

flame, Claire Selgin, the mother of his three children and

an expert on Indonesian anthropology.

A Pakistani court has sentenced Shumail Raj and his wife,

Shezina Tariq, to jail on the grounds that the husband is

actually a woman and that same-sex marriages are against

Islam. Upon arriving at the jail, however, the wife admitted

she is actually a man who happens to be extremely modest.

Colombian Drug Kingpin Arrested for Trafficking

in Obscene Gestures

"Yessir, this armored vehicle can carry up to eight emirs,

so long as they're no taller than this."

"Do you solemnly swear that you did not spend more

time fixing your hair than you did preparing your

opening statement to this committee?"

"I believe I went through the graduation line at Regent University,

Congressman, but I didn't mean to."

"Damned sawdust!" thought the President. "I guess I need

to have my head checked for leaks again."

"Now that Jerry's out of the way, Pat, that means no

more than a two-way split when we inherit the earth."

Recent studies have shown that just looking at Viagra is enough

to make you lose interest in the correct spelling of 'aphrodisiac'.

"Hey, Bub, what's with the Alpo shit? Nothing but Fancy Feast

ever touches my lips!

"Before we open the patient up, would you mind telling me again

which medical school you graduated from?"

"Mary Mary quite contrary,

How does your garden grow?"

Surrender Monkey Denies He Eats Cheese

"Buzz off, voyeurs! This is our bedroom, you know!"

"Correct, Mr. President. When you push that valve down,

the music goes 'round and 'round, and it comes out here."

Inga Skaya makes you forget everything
you thought you knew about hockey.

If you putter around India, you'd better mind your P's and Q's.

Despite having lost handily in the race for Mayor of Truckville,

the Ford pickup was still the President's best friend.

"You know things have gotten serious in a campaign when

the candidates are insulting the sizes of each other's guns.

Well, they better be glad I'm not running for President!"

Meet Mark "Thor" Fernlund Hearne, II. He was, up 
until recently, general counsel for 'the incredible, disappearing 
American Center for Voting Rights', a vaporous outfit created 
for the purpose of suppressing minority voter turnout 
on election day. "Thor" has pretty much disappeared, too, 
having returned to the skies as the God of Thunder.

Toy guns are for boys. Real guns are for men.

Clio, the muse of history, sometimes can't bear

to read her own stuff.

Drudge Report Funnies #4

"New men's underwear protects from 'harmful cell phone rays'..."